It’s Decorative Cabbage Season, Motherf*ckers

*Appropriated with brassica inspiration from one of my favorite McSweeney’s pieces ever: It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers by Colin Nissan

Fancy as fuck cabbages at Klein’s

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking brassicas and arrange them all pretty in a some shitty containers on my front porch. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head out to the nearest independent garden center right now to find some frilly ass kale not meant for human consumption. When my neighbors walk by it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my assortment of frost tolerant decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is — fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my front yard is full of mutant fucking cabbages.

Kale Patette

I may even throw some multi-colored violas and pansies in there, god forbid you can find a nursery that busts out anything else that doesn’t mind a little nippy weather. Then I’m going to get to work on collecting a bunch of fucking seeds from my annuals that are one frost away from becoming a pile of fucking mush. People are going to be like, “Aren’t mums the best thing to plant for autumnal pops of color?” And I’m just going to throw some broccoli, swiss chard and even a fucking cauliflower plant into a pot without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

I let my fucking half price zinnias I planted in the containers in early July on the front stairs go to shit, so it’s time to fucking change it up. It’s also a great time of year to snap up a bunch of half-price perennials, shove them in the ground and wait for next spring when they’ll get all big and happy. Who wants to pay a fuck ton of money on them in May and then have to wait around for another fucking year or two for those fuckers to get established? Not me, but I’m a motherfucking renter who could give two fucks about planting perennials on someone else’s fucking property.

Kale party

I’ve been having a ton of fun gardening in Wisconsin and will start to post more about my crazy ass giant annual garden out front when it gets cold and dark. For more brassica inspired stuff check out my spring containers.

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